my mood and my thinking and yet maybe is to my mum too

I dunno why in this moment I really hope I can write my mood and my mind down because I realise in my life I really need to write down to remind myself and yet maybe hope my mum can read this and understand my feeling if one day I am pass away earlier than my mum. I hope bb can pass this to let my mum read this.

To my mum,

In my heart, I always thinking is it really I am wrong why I can't live with you just for the short moment in my life. I really hope I can do the best in your heart and be a best daughter ever in this world and make other jealous because you are so lucky to have a daughter like me. But I dun think I can do this forever until I am no longer have chance to stay with you.

I really cried not because you tell bad about my bf but I am so hurt because forever you dun understand what I am thinking and what I wish to be in your heart. I am tired to keep making myself diff from what you thinking.

I think I always worsen the situation until I know that if I am not in this world or not ever appear in your life you may stay happier rather I am here.

I always I am the best among your other son or daughter but I think I am wrong. I am so sorry for borning always make you so unhappy and regret. From the day I born, I am no chance to take care by you and I think our relation are not that good starting from this reason. Maybe I am always over confident that everything is possible if I keep hardwork to make it everything change but I am wrong. the fade are not there to make us stay together and however what I done is just go back to the starting point.

Anyway, whatever you think who am I or what you think about me, in my heart you are forever my mum that is fact and no one can change it. Even how you dislike me it also doesn't change my mind to how I treat you. I may already decided by god to repay you. What I can do and plan to do is just wait the time I success and give you whatever you want even you only want my money or doesn't want to appear in your life forever. I hope I am done this before you read this because it prove that my dream already comes true and I already done what I want to do.

You no need to feel sad or regret because you do not do wrong in any sense and you are right I am wrong I not suppose to shout or quarrel with you because I have no this power to do this. right will always at yours. Sorry and thanks for making me a success person in my life.

bb I know one day my mum will understand you and know that you are so good and forever is the best. I really feel so regret whatever I am done to my mum. I really stuck I am not as clever as what my dad think because I can't solve and decide my own decision. I am a failure. only bb now stand and accompany me to pass every moment of my hardest life.

Thanks and I hope I will get mature more day by day. Love bb...muakz....